Bullying can wound us both physically and emotionally. It is a behaviour that is deliberately intended to cause harm, and takes place within some form of personal relationship.
It is not OK.
What is Bullying?
“Bullying is when someone (or a group of people) with more power than you, repeatedly and intentionally uses negative words and/or actions against you, which causes you distress and risks your wellbeing” – National Council Against Bullying (Aust)
Bullying, then comes from an imbalance in power. It may take the form of criticism, contempt, or exclusion, with the intention to hurt another person, either emotionally, physically or both.
Forms of Bullying
- Physical
- Harming your body – licking, tripping, hitting, bruising, or damaging your possessions
- Emotional
- Verbal – using words to upset you – yelling abuse, name calling, teasing, taunts, put-downs, ridicule
- Social
- Spreading lies, rumours, losing friends, playing mean jokes, social exclusion
- Cyber
- Spreading malicious rumours, threatening messages, embarrassing images, exclusion, mean texts, videos, emails,
Signs Your Child Might be a Target
If you become aware of changes in your child’s behaviour, such as increasing withdrawal, or “misbehaving”, and acting out, it’s important to share your concerns. These behaviours are bringing us a message, and bullying could be the cause.
What you might notice:
- Physical signs – bruising
- Nightmares, trouble sleeping
- Damaged or missing possessions
- Avoids school
- Becomes aggressive, angry outbursts
- Becoming secretive or withdrawn
- Has few or no friends, avoids social occasions
- Often complains of feeling sick, headaches, tummy aches
How You Can Help
“Studies show that parental involvement is crucial in reducing bullying” – Dawn Menken
The most fundamental way to address the problem of bullying, then, lies in creating a stable and nurturing home environment. Parents and carers have a key role in helping our children learn how to recognise bullying, and safely respond when they experience it, either towards themselves, or others.
- Talk openly about bullying at home. Bring the conversation up at the dinner table, or casually while driving. Explain what it is, why it happens, and the importance of being open and talking about bullying if your child sees or experiences it.
- Help your children develop their social skills, so they can recognise bullying towards either towards themselves or others. Learning how to respond to early signs of bullying can stop it from going any further.
- Provide a warm, nurturing and safe home environment, where your children feel safe, seen, heard, understood and supported, accepted for who they are, and the gifts they bring to the world.
- Focus on connection and relationship Building a strong connection with the adults around them can help children from either becoming victims of bullying, or bullying others.
- Be open to talking and listening, and take the time to listen to their perspective on a topic without judgement. Create a space where all opinions are valuable, and it’s OK to agree to disagree.
- Developing a healthy sense of self helps children to avoid the need to desperately seek peer acceptance. Recognise and support their gifts, speak positively to them. Help them learn how to walk away from harmful relationships.
- Role model the behaviour you would like to see in your child, such as empathy, compassion, curiosity, tolerance and acceptance of those that are different.
- Practise using words to describe feelings, such as hurt, angry, isolated, excluded, happy, safe, connected.
- Notice that teasing is not necessarily funny if the person receiving it doesn’t see the funny side, and finds the words hurtful
- Always repair when there has been a rupture or disagreement in your relationship, and talk through any areas of disagreement.
Questions to Ponder
- How do you use power in your home?
- Are you always respectful towards your children, do you use our power to support their individuality and self esteem?
- Do you respect their uniqueness, and acknowledge their giftedness?
- Are you open to listening to their perspective, listening to understand, helping them learn that it’s OK to hold different opinions, and it’s OK to agree to disagree?
- Are you role modelling respect to others, marginalised groups, and those who are “different”?
When we feel threatened , many of us will respond automatically, either defensively or by retreating and shutting people out.
When a child speaks to you in a way that feels hurtful, do you:
- React angrily and defend yourself, or
- Withdraw and shutdown, feeling small, or
- Dismiss the words as “just kids being kids”, and let it go, or
- Respond honestly and let them know that their words were hurtful, and
- Talk about your feelings, help them to learn sensitivity and empathy, and that certain behaviours are just not OK.
If you find yourself reacting automatically, your counsellor can help you learn a new pattern of relating, one based on compassion, empathy and understanding.
“Children who feel loved and appreciated will neither bully others nor accept being bullied themselves” – Gabor Mate.
Counselling to Address Bullying
You are the advocate for your child.
If you’re worried about your child, or noticing sudden changes in behaviour, counselling can help. If it is happening at school, or involves fellow students outside school, you should let the school know of the situation. Talk to their coach if you notice bullying behaviours at sporting events.
It’s important to address signs of bullying as soon as you start to become concerned. Early intervention can save your family from much deeper problems later on.
Perhaps your child’s experiences are touching your own childhood wounding? This is not unusual, and it often helps to share those hurt feelings with someone you trust.
Counselling can help by offering a collaborative approach to healing, combining parent coaching with individual child counselling sessions. The trauma of being bullied needs to be addressed, and can ripple out to other family members.
Conclusion
Looking at the bigger picture of bullying, the ultimate solution is to change peer culture. This can start with building closer relationships with your children, based on understanding and acceptance.
Bullies learn the importance of being “cool” even when it means hurting others. Empowering themselves in the eyes of their peers, they become experts at learning how to read the body language of their victims. Those who feel lost and confused in relationships become easy targets.
Further alienating bullies may not be the answer. Often, early relationships have been disempowering, causing them to seek to empower themselves in peer relationships. Healing can happen in a supportive relationship, based on connection and understanding.
Safety and security in early attachment relationships will help your child to develop a healthy sense of self esteem. They know that you will always be there to support them, offering both a safe base from which to venture out into the world, and a secure haven to return to when the going gets tough.
Australian Helplines
- Suicidal thoughts – call Lifeline 13 11 14
- Kids Helpline 1800 551 800 – for 5 to 25 year olds
Related Articles
References
- Mate, G. There is a Cure for Bullying
- Menken, D. (2013). Raising Parents, Raising Kids. Belly Song Press. Santa Fe.
