“Play is often talked about as if it were a relief from serious learning. But for children, play is serious learning. Play really is the work of childhood.” – Fred Rogers
Children are born to play, it’s their natural state of being. Through play, they are able explore and get to know their world, become familiar with feelings and emotions, and learn how to interact with other people. All of this happens below conscious awareness.
Play in early childhood is the foundation for all later learning. As adults, it’s tempting to see play as a waste of time in older children, a distraction from the real world of educational learning. However, through the freedom of play, they are actually developing the skills they will need for formal or classroom learning.
Sometimes as parents it’s easy to feel pressured by everyday life, “too busy”, or maybe you have have forgotten how to play. Rest assured, your child is the expert here, and all you need to do is to engage with them, and follow their lead.
So What is Play?
“Play … the universal language of childhood” – Deb Dana
Holistically, we can see play as a state of mind, a way of being. A time for letting go of any conscious agenda, and simply “going with the flow”, allowing yourself to simply just “be” present in the moment.
Through play we give ourselves the freedom to express whatever is needing to be expressed. We are allowing ourselves the time and space to dream into a world of fantasy and imagination, leaving behind the pressures of everyday life.
Twhen they play, children are learning skills of creativity, abstract thought, how to socialise and communicate,. They are also finding ways of expressing their feelings and emotions, bringing thoughts to words, and learning how to regulate their emotions. There really is a lot happening beneath the surface of what you are seeing.
Play as a Crucial part of Child Development
Play forms the basis of all sensory and motor development. Think back to when your infant was spending time on the floor, learning to roll, creep and crawl. They were discovering their body, its limitations, and abilities. This early play forms the foundational skills for reading, writing and maths.
Play, therefore, is a crucial part of child development. Not only are they building their sensory and motor skills, they are also learning how to regulate their emotions . Their interactive play moves between heightened arousal, before returning to a place of calm. This may happen in barely perceptible tiny increments throughout their game..
Your child is also developing skills of communication as they are continually engaging in a process of speaking and listening. They are working out relationships, building social skills, learning to take turns, and how to attune to the needs of others.
Working together, the rules may evolve and are developed as part of the play. Doing this, children learn to abide by socially agreed rules. They are also learning problem solving, by working through things together, combining intellectual, social and emotional development – all at once!
Imagination and creativity develops as play allows for stretching thoughts, discovering new feelings, new ideas. Non-directive, unstructured play can evolve according to their own what they need in the moment. There are no fixed outcomes, and play is free to evolve as the mood invites.
Card and board games help your child to learn the difference between winning and losing, and that either is OK. You can help them to see that the enjoyment is actually in the process of playing, regardless of the outcome.
Without the opportunity to play freely, children are less resilient, struggle more in with socialising and forming close friendships and find it difficult to regulate their emotions.
Developmental Stages of Play
Your young child will love traditional games like Peek-a-Boo, Round and Round the Garden and This Little Piggy. This early play takes their nervous system into a slightly activated state, then brings them back into the safety of your embrace. Through these simple activities, and with your help, they are having their first experiences of emotional regulation.
Play in infancy starts with side-by-side play, at around 2. your close presence helps them to feel safe to explore their world. At around the age of 3, their play will start to become more interactive, as your child is starting to experience themself as a separate being.
This is closely followed by the “no” stage, as your child starts to try and test boundaries. If you react, your child will imitate your reactions. Rather than saying “no“, try saying “oh“. Another option is to say “yes’ we will do that tomorrow“, or “yes we’ll do that after we finish tidying up. Let’s do it together“. It gives a more positive spin and avoids an outright rejection!
The easiest way to get a toddler to cooperate is to do it with them, and make the activity into a game. Singing a rhyme or a little song can help to relieve resistance, as does humour. Imitating the behaviour back often ends in laughter., and helps them to see alternative behaviours.
Older children can be engaged with puzzles, card games, board games, ball games and other more interactive activities. Your children will love spending time with you, away from the lure of digital devices.
Observing Children Play
It is fascinating to watch children play, as ordinary objects take on a meaning known only to them. The games they play, and the “conversations” can be bringing us a message. Through play they are communicating something, sometimes acting out experiences that have been disturbing. At other times they might be re-creating characters from story books.
Through role play they can pretend to be someone else, and act out their behaviour. Dressing up in mum and dad’s clothes or play outfits can take them into another world. Perhaps they are modelling social interactions they have experienced, using known characters such as “you be the father”, “I’m the shopkeeper”, or “I’ll be the teacher”. THis might be a bit disconcerting as you see your own behaviour being reproduced in your child’s play!
Everyday objects can take on an entirely new meaning in symbolic play, as puppets, dolls, figurines or toy animals interact, acting our themes from everyday life, such as “these balls are the planets, and they crash together like this”, or “the dogs are fighting”.
Fantasy and imagination play allows your child to dream into another world, perhaps becoming a cat that wants to be patted, or “We’re on a magic carpet flying to the beach”. Perhaps you can let yourself “dream”into the message that might be behind some of these fantasies.
Balancing Indoor and Outdoor Play
Your child needs a balance of both quiet and loud play. Like waves on the beach, or breathing in and out, your child needs a balance between the rough and tumble of outdoor play, and the rest of more quiet play inside. Each style of play has its benefits as part of healthy child development.
- The need to race around outside, use loud voices, kicking balls and releasing stored energy
- Quiet indoor time, reading books, playing with dolls, toys, doing puzzles or card games
Playful Parents
According to Tina Payne Bryson, in her book The Way of Play, play is a way of getting to know our children at a deeper level. By joining in their play we can really notice and embrace their individuality, their uniqueness. Your child’s play will reveal what lights them up, their interests, how their mind works, and what’s happening in their world.
As adults, it’s not always easy to relax and enter into a state of playfulness. Sometimes we can get caught up in out need to be too serious. or see play as a time to educate. The benefits of being playful, however, are enormous for your relationship, if you can allow yourself to enter into their world, even for just a few minutes a day. Play can be integrated into everyday activities, making some of those chores like cleaning teeth or going to bed much less stressful for everyone. Maybe try “let’s be lizards, and I’ll chase you” as you head down the hall for bedtime.
Many of us have often forgotten how to play, so now our children can become our teachers. They’ll let us know what they need from us. Our role is generally a supportive one, helping them as they enter into their world of imagination.
Through their play they will often be learning how to deal with themes and emotions that are relevant in their lives. We don’t have to understand what it’s all about, but the play will be all the more meaningful to your child simply by your supportive presence.
Playing with Your Child
Here are some suggestions to help make your play an enjoyable experience for both of you:
- Set clear boundaries and expectations for safe play, and stick to them. Children feel safe when they know the rules
- Follow their lead, interacting with a sense of curiosity and acceptance, without judgement
- Enter into their world, and tune into what might be going on. If you’re not sure, make a guess.
- Talk about what you are seeing, without interpretation. Keep it simple.
- Connect with your own inner child and allow yourself to have fun!
- Focus on enjoyment rather than achievement, letting go of any agenda, or need to win!
- Avoid the need to “teach”, the learning is happening anyway, below the level of conscious awareness
- Step into the role play, take on the character assigned, and release your inner child!
Play can be Challenging for Parents
- Play can be challenging if it is not an activity you are familiar with. The freedom of expression may make you feel a bit insecure and uncertain.
- Notice your own emotional response to your child’s play, and honour those feelings
- While robust play may make you feel uncomfortable, it is an essential way to work through strong feelings. Asking a child to “be nice” will only suppress those feelings, and your child learns that it is wrong to express them. Of course, it is also important to set boundaries and limits, and stick to them, and to offer a co-regulating presence if someone is accidentally hurt.
Note: Seek help if your child’s play raises strong emotions in you. It can bring up suppressed emotions from your own childhood that need to be processed. Not all of us find it easy to play!
Is Electronic Gaming the Same as Play?
Maybe not!
Play is interactive, that is, it is done with another person. Through play your child learns emotional regulation. Play with others follows waves. You will notice times of heightened reactions, followed by a natural balancing process of coming back to a state of social engagement. In this way they are working through their worries, developing imagination, building relationships, listening and communicating.
According to Stephen Porges, leading neuroscientist, author and researcher, the definition of play requires social interactions as a regulator of our fight/flight reactions. This is not the same as interacting with a computer, which lacks face-to-face interaction.
Electronic gaming, therefore, does not support the interactive aspects of social/emotional development. In fact, it is more likely to be emotionally dysregulating. Have you noticed how certain games lead to a build up of anger and frustration in your child? With no co-regulating nervous system available, these strong emotions are more likely to escalate and erupt into aggressive behaviours.
Tension Build Up with Gaming
All that tension builds up like the valve on a pressure cooker, with nowhere to go. It has to be released somewhere, and comes out as anger and frustration. In this case, your child is not learning how to understand their feelings, and respond appropriately. There is no balancing relationship to help bring them back to a state of social connection.
Gaming can, however, give us a clue to your child’s emotional needs. Notice what sort of games they are playing, and what is their emotional response? Are they drawn to certain styles of games, or characters? Can we learn something from this? Perhaps the boy who plays hero games, is actually needing to be a hero in real life? Maybe the boy playing zombie games struggles with close relationships or feels shut out in his everyday world?
Conclusion
Play is an essential part of holistic, or whole child development. It forms the foundation for all later learning – social, emotional, behavioural, physical and academic. Through play your child is building skills of communication and emotional regulation that will support them through life.
These are skills that cannot be “taught”, and are best learnt through interaction and in relationship with others.
Most importantly, when invited to join in your child’s play, allow yourself to relax and have fun, enter into the magic moment with your child. They will remember the fun times more than the clean house and the expensive toys.
Through play, you are building connections to last a lifetime!
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References
- Dana, D. (2018). The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy – Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation. Norton. New York.
- Elkind, D. (2007). The Power of Play – Learning what comes naturally. Da Capo Press.
- Kestly, T. (2014). The Interpersonal Neurobiology of Play – Brain-building Interventions for Emotional Well-being. Norton New York.
- Malchiodi, C. and D. Crenshaw. (2014). Creative Arts and Play Therapy for Attachment Problems. Guildford Press. New York.
- Payne Bryson, T. and G. Wisen-Vincent (2025). The Way of Play – Using Little Moments of Big Connection to Raise Calm and Confident Kids. Random House. UK.
