Toddler tantrums! They happen to all of us. That moment when your toddler completely “loses it”. You feel frustrated, embarrassed and totally at a loss to know what to do.
Your toddler is expressing some really big feelings here. They’ve probably been sending out signals for a while, but in your need to focus on other tasks, its easy to miss them. Suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, you have a toddler lying on the floor, kicking and screaming.
Behaviour is Bringing us a Message
What if if I said that your toddler’s behaviour is bringing you a message? Let’s explore this behaviour, by trying to understand the message that might be behind it.
What are you seeing?
A child lying on the floor kicking and screaming. That’s easy!
What might your child be feeling?
There could be any number of emotions here, but happy, safe, secure are probably not among them. It’s more likely that your child is feeling anxious, rejected, ignored, tired or simply overwhelmed at the end of a busy day.
What might your child need?
Your child is seeking to reconnect with you. If we look at toddler tantrums as your child’s way of communicating something, we can see that they need your help to organise some really big feelings. Once you are able to recognise this, you will be able to reconnect.
Repairing the Rupture in Communication
There’s been a rupture in your connection, and your child sensed this. Now it it is time to repair, by “being with” your child in their distress. Easier said than done when you are feeling frustrated, stressed, embarrassed…
Before you can really be able to support your child, it is necessary to be emotionally present yourself. One way to do this is to take some deep belly breaths, exhaling slowly. As you do this, you should feel the tension being released from your body.
Changing Behaviour through Closer Connections
Now you are ready to help your child to regulate their behaviour, by “being with” them in their distress. Not only will your calmer state help them to become calm, they will be learning from your role modelling. Children are great little imitators. You have probably often noticed them imitating your words and mannerisms, and this is no different.
Parenting challenges happen to us all, and there is no blame or shame attached. Your parenting styles probably follow the way you were parented, and you may be subconsciously repeating patterns from your own childhood.
A child’s behaviour often seems to change magically when we are able to address the tensions and stresses in our own lives. It’s never too late to change!
Circle of Security Parenting
You might also like to consider a parenting class, such as the internationally recognised Circle of Security Parenting program. This is an 8 week relationship-based early intervention parenting program. Feedback from parents in my classes has always been very positive.
The program is designed to help you to build connection and understanding, and can be offered either individually, or in small groups.
The Next Step
It’s never too late to help your child, but is is much easier when they are younger, before secondary issues such as poor self esteem, anxiety, anger and frustration start to creep in.
The aim is to help you raise happy, healthy children who are able to realise their potential and find their place in the world
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