Raising a secure child is not always easy, particularly in today’s world. All parents want to do their best, but can sometimes we can feel a bit stuck and unsure. This is normal, particularly if your own childhood was difficult.
The good news is that it is possible to change the story, and you don’t have to repeat the mistakes from the past.
Benefits of a Secure Attachment in Childhood
Attachment describes a child’s relationship with parents/carer, and is a crucial part of their early development.
A securely attached child:
- easily turns to their parents for comfort and support.
- sees their carers as providing a secure base from which to explore their world.
- knows their parents offer a safe haven to return to when feeling troubled.
Not all of us grew up with a secure attachment to our parents. For some people, childhood wasn’t easy.
Perhaps you thought you lacked support, or felt rejected by one or both parents.
There is no blame, your parents did the best they could.
The good news is that these insecure patterns of attachment don’t have to be repeated with your own children.
Why Feeling Safe Matters
Feeling safe in your child’s early years provides a strong foundation for learning – not only in school, but throughout life.
Your child will grow up knowing they can be accepted for who they are.
As a result, your child should:
- to do better in school
- enjoy better health
- learn improved emotional regulation
- gain better social and communication skills
- be more flexible and able to adapt to challenging situations
We are Social Beings
We are social beings, and our brains are organised to be in relationship with others.
Your child’s early feelings of safety and connection began with your loving eye contact.
Remember that warm feeling when you looked into their eyes, and they gazed back at you, totally trusting and feeling safe with you.
From here, they learnt to attune to your voice, linking patterns of sounds, facial expressions, and your body’s movements – and what they meant.
From you, they were learning how to manage their emotions, and read them in other people. Feeling safe and secure with you, they were building the foundation for lifelong learning.
Parenting in Today’s World
The world you are living in today is very different from the world you grew up in. You are facing challenges your parents probably never even dreamed of – technology, environmental challenges and financial pressure to name just a few.
As a result, the parenting styles from the past may not necessarily be helpful now.
Once, parents tried to “manage” their children’s behaviour, using systems of punishments and rewards.
Today, we know that punishments such as time-outs and systems of rewards is unlikely to address your child’s underlying need to feel safe and secure in your caring presence.
Your child’s behaviours are their way of communicating. The term “acting out” means exactly that – your child is “acting out” their emotions and big feelings for you when they can’t find the words.
Dealing with Those Big Feelings
Your children are more likely to learn how to regulate their emotional outbursts when you are able to “be with” them in their anxiety and frustration. Alternatives to punishments and time-out may include a time-in with your children.
The Circle of Security Parenting program offers a model for relationship-based parenting. Of course, we all struggle at times, and none of us will ever be perfect parents.
Learning how to “tune in” to what your child’s behaviours might be communicating can help you to create closer connections based on understanding. Your child’s behaviour will change when they feel seen and heard.
Parenting Stress
Many parents automatically parent the way they were parented. Maybe you’re not comfortable with this, and would like to try something different, but are unsure how to do this?
Time spent with our children can be wonderfully rewarding – it can also be very challenging. If you feel you are struggling at times, you are not alone.
Maybe you are noticing your stress levels rise when your child is acting out their emotions, and you feel frustrated or angry?
Maybe you “hover” anxiously, fearful of letting your child out of your sight, or feel threatened when they come to you seeking help?
Creating a New Family Story
You don’t need to repeat the patterns from the past.
Holistic counselling and parent coaching can help you work through any parenting concerns, creating a new family story.
This may involve addressing behaviour patterns that are affecting our parenting and relatonships.
Your counsellor can help you to “change the tape”, creating a new family story, raising children who are able to realise their potential and find their place in the world.
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