Does your child struggle to follow even simple instructions?
You might say, “Go and put your shoes on and get your bag” — only to find that one part gets done, or nothing happens at all.
You may find yourself repeating the same instructions over and over, wondering why something so simple seems so difficult.
It can be frustrating and confusing, especially when your child seems perfectly capable of understanding what you’re asking.
But sometimes, there is more happening beneath the surface.
It May Not Be What You Think
Children who struggle to follow instructions aren’t necessarily being difficult or deliberately ignoring you.
Following an instruction involves more than hearing the words. Your child needs to take in the information, understand what you’re asking, remember what they need to do, and organise themselves to carry it out.
For some children, processing several pieces of information at once can be difficult. They may understand the first part of an instruction but lose track of what comes next.
Sometimes they only seem to catch the end phrase of a request such as “Don’t bang the door”. I’m sure we’ve all had that experience!
What looks like not listening or refusing to cooperate may actually be a sign that your child needs information presented differently.
Hearing Is Not the Same as Listening
Hearing and listening are closely connected, but they aren’t quite the same thing.
Hearing is the ability to detect sounds. Listening involves paying attention to those sounds, processing what we hear and making sense of the information.
A child may hear you speaking, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they have taken in or understood what you’ve said.
Perhaps you’ve had the same experience? Maybe you can remember a time when you were concentrating on something, feeling overwhelmed, or trying to follow a conversation in a noisy room. You may have been aware of someone talking, yet realised afterwards that you didn’t really pay attention to what they were saying?
Children can experience something similar.
For some children, processing spoken information takes more effort. They may need more time, fewer distractions or shorter instructions to help them understand what is being asked of them.
So, when your child doesn’t respond, it can be helpful to pause before assuming they’re ignoring you.
Perhaps the question isn’t simply,
- “Can my child hear me?” but also,
- “Are they able to take in and make sense of what I’m saying right now?”
What You Might Notice
Perhaps your child forgets what you’ve asked them to do, needs instructions repeated, or becomes overwhelmed when there are several things to remember. They may start a task but become distracted along the way.
These difficulties can become more noticeable in busy environments, such as classrooms, where there is background noise, movement, other children talking and pressure to keep up.
Even when a child can hear the teacher, they may find it difficult to filter out distractions and take in what is being said.
How Can You Help?
One of the simplest things you can do is to slow things down and give your child a little more time to process what you’re asking them to do.
Instead of saying, “Go and put your shoes on and get your bag,” you might start with just one part of the instruction: “Let’s put your shoes on.”
Once that is done, you can move on to the next step.
Sometimes if can help to start with what you would like them to do, rather than what you don’t want.
Instead of saying “Don’t bang the door” you could try saying something like “Close the door quietly“.
You might also find it helpful to:
Get your child’s attention first. Come down to your child’s level, speak calmly and make eye contact, rather than calling instructions from another room.
Keep instructions short and clear. Give one or two steps at a time, depending on what your child can manage.
Allow time to respond. Your child may need a little longer to take in the information and work out what to do.
Use visual reminders when helpful. A simple picture or checklist can reduce the need to remember everything you’ve said.
Notice what works. Does your child manage better when things are quieter, when you show them what to do, or when you tackle one step at a time?
These aren’t about lowering your expectations of your child. They’re ways of helping them succeed while they continue to develop their skills.
Looking Beneath the Surface
If your child regularly struggles to follow instructions, it can help to become curious about what might be getting in the way.
Is it difficult for them to process spoken information? Are they distracted by what’s happening around them? Are they tired, overwhelmed or finding it hard to organise themselves?
There may be several factors contributing to their difficulty, and the answer won’t be the same for every child.
Rather than assuming your child is ignoring you, you can begin by wondering:
- “What might be making this difficult”, and
- “What might my child need from me right now?”
Sometimes, a small change in how we speak to our children can make a difference to how they listen and understand.
It’s not only what we say, but how we say it. A gentle tone of voice can help a child feel more settled and open to listening, particularly when things are already feeling difficult.
Children are often sensitive to our stress levels. When we’re feeling frustrated or overwhelmed, they may pick up on this, and find it harder to take in what we’re asking of them.
Of course, we all have moments when we feel frustrated. Parenting can be demanding, and it’s not always easy to remain calm. But becoming aware of how we approach these moments can sometimes open up a different way of responding to our children.
Finding a Way Forward
If your child frequently struggles to understand or follow spoken instructions, it may be helpful to explore what is happening.
If your child seem to have trouble actually hearing you, you might like to talk to an audiologist and have a hearing assessment.
If you’re feeling puzzled by your child’s behaviour and would like help understanding their individual needs, counselling can offer you a supportive space to explore your concerns and work together, helping you to help your child.
Often, the first step isn’t finding another strategy to make your child listen. It’s understanding what might be making listening and following instructions difficult in the first place.
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